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This is Dj venky.
i have done my Graduation in Djing from Philippines DJ academy. i have been Djing around the world for the past few months.Playing famous clubs in Manila.Born new baby.i Spin Techno,Minimal,Progressive,Electro.watch out space for more. Cheers.
Ten Things Not To Ask a DJ
I. Play something good, something we can dance to!
Let’s be honest. You’re not asking for something you can dance to, you’re asking for something you know the words to, probably something you heard on the radio on your way to the club. If you want to sing, there’s a karaoke bar down the street. And if you can’t dance without knowing the words, you probably shouldn’t be out at all. You should be at home coloring.
1. “I’ve seen you out on the floor. There is nothing you can dance to.”
2. “I’m sorry, I’m all out of songs you can dance to, but I do have a couple of songs you can suck my dick to.”
II. Would you play something with a beat?
Allow me to give you a quick lesson on rhythm. Every song has a beat. Every single one. What you are really asking for is a song that you know, or one that sounds just like one that you know. You could try expanding your mind and listening to more than one style of music. There’s literally millions of songs available online. Try learning more than five of them, and you might notice that you can dance to damn near all of them in one way or another.
1. “If you’d like, I can bitch-slap you to the beat of this song. Perhaps you’ll feel it then.”
2. “I’m a DJ. DJ’s beat mix. I’ll say it more slowly. DJ’s B-E-A-T mix. Kinda hard to do without a beat, wouldn’t you say?”
III. I don’t know who sings it and I don’t know the name of the song, but it goes like thisâ€¦
This isn’t Name That Tune. So unless you are giving out cash and prizes, come back when you know what the fuck you’re talking about. Granted, the DJ probably knows whatever song it is you’re butchering, but the fact that he is spinning at a dance club and not a karaoke bar means he probably doesn’t want to hear your singing.
1. "Wow, it’s right on the tip of my tongue. Can you sing it again? " (Repeat until they figure out you’re just being a dick.)
2. “Oh, I do know that song! It’s called ‘Annoying customer’!”
IV. Everybody wants to hear it!
You know that song, the one that you just know everyone wants to hear? I can promise you, there’s at least one person in the club that can’t fucking stand it. I can almost guarantee you that the DJ hates it. Telling the DJ what everyone wants to hear implies that you know about his job than he does. You don’t. If you did, you’d be spinning somewhere, not flipping burgers at Hardee’s.
1. “No, what everybody in here wants is to get laid. Since you care so much about what everybody wants, why don’t you go fuck everybody in here? You can start right here in the booth, if you’d like.”
.2. “Gosh, you’re right. Everyone does want to hear it. Especially me. I just didn’t want to play it until I got your approval. Do I have your approval? Can I play it now? Please?”
V. Everybody will dance if you play it.
This may come as a surprise, but the DJs job is not to get everybody to dance. His job is to get everybody to stay and drink. Even if you’re right, which is doubtful, a full dance floor means an empty bar, which means the business is not making money. The best thing to do is to leave the DJ alone, go buy yourself a drink, and wait until your song comes on. If your song is so popular, the DJ will play it whether you request it or not. If you’re too young to drink, leave the DJ alone, sit down, and shut up. You’re lucky to be in the club at all.
1. “I doubt that. Perhaps everyone will dance if you passed out drugs to the entire crowd. Let me know when you’re done, and then I’ll put your song on.”
2. “If I play your song, and there is even one person not dancing, can I get on the mic and tell everyone what a fucking idiot you are?”
VI. I can get laid if you play it!
Question: How much do you care about whether the DJ gets laid? Guess what? That’s how much the DJ cares if you get laid. Tell the DJ he’ll get laid if he plays it, then maybe he’ll give a shit.
1. “You can get laid even if I don’t play it! Bend over, I’ll show ya!”
2. “So my job is to make sure you get laid? If it is my job to make sure you get laid, then doesn’t that make me your pimp? And if I’m your pimp, where’s my money, bitch?”
3. “I doubt that a song will get you laid. Actually, I doubt a bottle of roofies, a penthouse suite at the Ritz-Carlton, and Marvin Gaye coming back from the dead to sing ’Let’s get it on’ at the foot of your bed will get you laid. There’s a Walgreen’s down the street. Stop by and get some lotion, ‘cause I think you’re flyin’ solo tonight.”
VII. I want to hear it next!
When you are in a pub, and you put money in a jukebox, you wait until the thing gets around to your song. You gave it money, and yet you still had to wait. And yet you expect the DJ to play your song? Next? For free? Often asking to hear a song next will make your song take that much longer to play. Even if it was coming up next anyway, this demand can make the DJ take your song off and put something else on.
1. “And I want a new pony. I guess there are gonna be a couple of empty stockings this Christmas.”
2. “Look, it’s obvious you never heard the word ‘no’ as a child, so I’m not going to confuse you by using it now. Would ‘fuck off’ get the point across?”
3. “And I could really use a blow job. Wanna make a deal?”
4. “When did you become the only fucking person in here?”
5. (sung like Mick Jagger) “You can’t always get whatcha wa-antâ€¦”
VIII. What do you have?
Most DJs have music collections that run at least in the hundreds, if not in the thousands. Asking a DJ what he has makes about as much sense as walking into a Blockbuster and asking the clerk what movies they have.
1. “I have an erection. Would you like to see it?”
2. “You walked all the way up here without even knowing what you want? You must really like exercise. Since you like walking so much, why don’t you walk to the bar and get me a goddamn drink?”
3. “I have a bunch of songs. What I don’t have is the time or the patience to list them all for you.”
IX. Hey, man, nobody can dance to this!
If you see one person on the dance floor, even one, or even if you see someone bobbing their head at the bar, do yourself a favor and shut the fuck up. You look like a jackass.
1. Don’t say a word. Just smile, start doing the Cabbage Patch, then walk away.
2. “No, you cannot dance to this. Everybody else out on the floor seems to be doing fine. Maybe you should consider the idea that it’s not the song, it’s you.”
X. I don’t like this. Play something different.
This is the absolutely the worst thing you can say to a DJ. Period. Even if he completely agrees with you, it will still piss him off. You don’t go to a restaurant and tell the waiter what you don’t want to eat. Don’t tell the DJ what you don’t like. He doesn’t give a shit.
1. “Sorry, I can’t. This is the only song I have. I’ll be playing this song over and over all night.” (For extra fun, actually do it for a while. Nothing like fifteen minutes of “Back that ass up” to get a point across.)
2. “I’ll be glad to. What is your name?” (Then play the most god-awful song in your entire collection, say some Kenny G or something, and send it out to them.)
Other Assorted Facts to Know:
1. The 30-Minute Rule: Don’t make a request at all within 30 minutes of getting to the club. There is nothing worse than some ass-munch coming up and asking “Can’t you play some hip-hop?” two minutes into the first rock song he’s played in an hour. It makes you look like an impatient asshole. You are, of course, but why advertise?
2. Have you ever had a little kid interrupt you when you were on the phone? I say little kid because everyone over the age of five knows not to do that. Explain how interrupting a DJ when he has his headphones on is any different. Hint: It’s not, fuck-face.
3. Look in the mirror before you leave the house. If the person staring back at you is white, do not use the words “crunk”, “yo”, “bro”, etc. You are not the real Slim Shady. Please sit down.
4. Do not, under any circumstances, try to get the DJ to listen to some fucking ringtone on your phone. If you want to hear that song, call yourself.
5. Surprising as it may seem, the nightclub does not revolve its entire playlist around your schedule. If you missed your song because you just got here, or if you have to leave soon and need to hear it next, well, that’s just too fucking bad.
The most important thing to remember is that you’re making a request. You’re asking, not demanding. If you want to place an order, go to Burger King.
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